Olmec: Sex Therapist

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Dear sweet baby Jesus. It's so damn funny. And yet...my childhood is ruined. And yes that is the host from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

David Blaine Street Magic: YouTube Edition!

WHAT THE EFF says it all.

Holy hot colors

Yes, yes, time for another hilarious moment where Kelly says something stupid.

Kelly: and holy hot dicks, I just remembered all the alcohol I have from my birthday party...
Kelly: ....a whole bottle of kahlua, and quite a bit of vodka if I remember correctly.
Kelly: and baileys.
Matt: holy hot dicks?
Kelly: .......
Kelly: the full term is actually holy hot dicks from hell but I'm tired.
Kelly: I like to get colorfuck with my words from time to time
Kelly: ........colorful.
Kelly: .....yeah. I know. I'm blogging that one.
Matt: I don't even have to say it anymore

Love and Mace

Kelly: I should go buy mace tomorrow
Daniel: no you shouldn't
Kelly: oh no, I think I should
Daniel: but that could make us break up
Kelly: why is that?
Daniel: i can only get pepper in my eye so many times before i have to leave a relationship

Apparently I had to post this for Matt's amusement. Ok, his amusement and mine.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Yay!! So excited!

Kelly and Matt's amazing quotes for 12/14-12/21

Kelly: is it bad that when I'm done with a doll or an animal, I wanna lay it on a table, lift it up into the night sky, watch it get struck by lightning which would then send me into an insane fit of laughter while yelling, "IT'S ALIVE"?
Kelly: ...I'll take your silence as a yes.
Matt: yes, just yes

Kelly: how did the interview go?
Matt: pretty good actually
Matt: got that job
Matt: they're making me an offer in 2 weeks
Kelly: woo!
Kelly: think you'll take it?
Matt: Nope

Kelly: so, speaking of mom killing people...
Matt: ?
Kelly: she doesn't know about Daniel *cough*
Matt: ooooh
Matt: you're domed
Kelly: .......I'm domed? I'm protected from the rain?

Kelly: Shayne is not my boyfriend.
Kelly: Because unless i missed something Shayne does not have a penis.
Matt: isn't she Kelly? You and your lesbian crochet orgies

Matt: so did you tell her about my "inner black woman"?
Kelly: .......It might have come up

Matt: I am both disgusted and confused

Kelly: argh, I am cutting myself at 3 am
Kelly: .....c...cutting myself off.
Matt: yeah good idea
Matt: cut yourself

Matt: you just can't like a guy unless he's a bastard to you

Kelly: well I pictured you looking at it and saying, "you know I have a chess set right?"
Matt: 3 things
Matt: 1) you can never have too many chess sets
Matt: 2) it's made for travel
Matt: 3) holy shit that is just fucking awesome

Kelly: but I've decided if that really bothers you, you're fruitier than a box of fruity pebbles.
Kelly: and you have bigger issues.
Matt: i have many fruity pebbles issues
Matt: damn roommates always rainbowing up the place

Kelly: her nipples look like torpedos.
Matt: they are
Matt: she also fights the war on terror

Kelly: So, yes.....I must admit.....
Kelly: penguins are SLIGHTLY better than otters.
Matt: you're drunk aren't you?

Kelly: Matt, how do I change my life?
Matt: worship the penguin

Shane said and I died

Kelly: you know what would have sucked? Living in the victorian ages
Kelly: jesus christ talk about sexual repression.
Shane: Fuck that
Kelly: yeah
Kelly: except, they didn't.
Kelly: they sat around being...
Kelly: snooty and horny as fuck.
Shane: I'd fuck everyone
Kelly: me too
Shane: And I mean just for the fuck of it
Shane: Hello sir, I know you don't know me, but I am going to insert my penis into your rectum. Cheerio!
Kelly: what about the women?
Shane: Pardon me, ma'am, I know you don't know me, but your vagina is disgusting. would you mind too terribly much if this other gentleman over here inserted his penis into your rectum in my place?

Apparently Shane intends to bone everyone.....everyone in the Victorian Era. Normally I would begin this post with an explanation but nothing needs to be explained here. It is simply hilarious.

Ok, that can never happen again.

Woohoo! New layout! It's all shiny and easier to read! Originally I didn't want to the black background thing since that's what both Shane and Matt have but I wasn't really keen on the whole dark blue/red/yellow color scheme. I am much happier with my black/pink/green/grey color scheme now. Much more saucy, don't you agree? Let me know what you guys think!

That being said...I can never change my blog again. Ever. I am banning myself.

Why? Well everytime I re-design a blog or whatever, I always forget myself. Specifically, I forget how freakin' OCD I am about designing ANYTHING. Desiging my new layout on here took me almost an hour and the changes were mostly color choices and text choices, not even the actual design of the blog itself. I fear what will happen when I get a house. I am pretty sure the house will never be totally finished because I will constantly be changing stuff. Hopefully I'll marry someone with the balls to beat me over the head with a baseball bat and make me stop.

Anyway, I promised myself and others that I would blog about something other than quotes because seriously, that's been what, my last 3 posts? That's kinda sad...

So here is a general update of my life: It's exam time which means, I'm busy as hell. But I'm down to 1 exam left! Woo! After that, I'm returning to Greensboro on Tuesday for Christmas break. Of course, I'll be coming back throughout the break to see people. I also have like 5 crochet projects to do. During the break, I'm also really going to focus on getting a job which is terrifying because the job market sucks royal ass right now. Also, journalism is really starting to fall apart. Hopefully I'll find something for me though.

...I should probably go study now...

Matt and Kelly's amazing quotes for the week

What is this you ask? Well my dear friend Matt and I tend to say a lot of awesome stuff on a semi-every day basis...as you've probably noticed. So rather than devote a post to each one, I'm saving them up for a whole week and posting it every Sunday. What is the criteria to make this list? You have to be Matt or I, the quote must be awesome, and the statement must be followed with "I need to blog that" or something like that.

So, here are the amazing quotes for this week:

Kelly: learn to crochet or something with string!
Kelly: and you can join in :P
Matt: so I can be part of the lesbian/penguin action?
Kelly: yes. you may
Matt: I think I just suffered a mental breakdown

Matt: and Maggie's a ninja so...
Kelly: maggie can fit in a fucking suitcase
Kelly: she fits in most overhead compartments.

Kelly: I'm pretty sure if I just showed him a boob he'd pass out.
Kelly: the blood wouldn't know where to go.

Matt: what is a utahraptor?
Matt: how big are a t-rex's feet?
Kelly: uh
Kelly: 1. fucking scary
Kelly: 2. fucking huge.
Matt: hahaha
Matt: and you get an A
Matt: for using 'fucking' in every answer
Kelly: fucking A!

Kelly: you're having a secret affair
Matt: hah! wrong!
Matt: oh wait the vacuum cleaner...

Kelly: I'm sure I'd be protective but I also would encourage them to be their own person.
Kelly: because I'm really independent.
Matt: very true
Kelly: like 'Hey you shouldn't bite that..." "Why?" "Well, it will burn..but it's up to you..."
Matt: oh come on, that's one of the times when you just take it and say "no you moron, just no"

Matt: you know
Matt: I have this giggling stuffed duck
Kelly: ...uh-huh
Matt: I think you would have that

This is our baby Dr. House

So I was discussing with Matt what would happen if I had a baby with certain people, which was a recap of a convo Shane and I had some time ago. Then Matt and I started discussing what would happen if he and I had a baby....This is what happened:

Kelly: ...I think yours and mine was somewhat normal...
Kelly: no, it was OCD
Kelly: and it argued...all the time.
Matt: heh, yes
Matt: with itself
Kelly: lol yes
Kelly: "That's clean enough. WAIT! NO!"
Kelly: it was also bitter.
Matt: yaay
Matt: and walked with a limp
Matt: not an injury or anything, but by choice. to have a cane. with flames.
Kelly: ...
Kelly: so if we had a baby
Kelly: we'd have house.
Kelly: Matt, I think we should have children.
Matt: the medical world would thank us
Matt: and we'd commit suicide


That's right, Matt and I would have House. Our son would be House. So if anyone wants to see a real version of House, you know what to do.

You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're making love...

Daniel and I were talking about walking in on people having sex and how awkward that situation can be. The conversation quickly turned to HEARING people having sex. This is something I unfortunately have experience with...

Kelly: I didn't care they were having sex
Kelly: I cared they did it loudly.
Daniel: how many closed doors?
Kelly: one
Daniel: that's nothing
Daniel: 4 and i had to turn up the volume on my headphones

Wooooooooooooow.....That's like screaming level. I think I'd leave the building at that time. Kudos to Daniel for actually sticking around.

...You'd think one of them would be hard of hearing after that....

And now...great quotes of today

These are the following awesome quotes that were made JUST today:

Shane: And Catholics are like- HOLY SHIT! A PIGEON JUST HIT MY WINDSHIELD.

Me: Ok compared to other men, Shane isn't that gay.
Matt: Still flaming.
Me: If Shane is flaming...
Me: Alex is the human torch

(On friending Alex on facebook)
Me: No! You can't have him! My friend!
Matt: They're always after me fruity charms!

Yes Alex, you made it on to my blog...FEEL HONORED!!!

Westboro Baptist gets Rick Roll'd

Best use of a Rick Roll possibly ever.

For those of you who don't know, Westboro Baptist Church is this church who makes it their personal goals in life to stand on corners waving signs talking about how God is condemning America because we love the gays.

This is my new favorite video. Seriously.

What is music?

So, last night I was showing Daniel "Threnody of the Victims of Hiroshima" by Penderecki. It's possibly one of the most disturbing pieces I've ever heard, but it also might be one of the best for the very reason that it managed to move me that much. One thing I've never been able to decide is whether or not that sound in the beginning is people screaming or if it's the bomb dropping thousands and thousands of feet in the air before finally slamming into the city. I tend to think it's the first way...but I've been wrong before.

Anyway here it is. Warning: it starts out very loud.

Of course when I showed that to Daniel, his immediate response was "I am prepared to argue that is not music." And like any other time we disagree strongly on something, a debate began. We started discussing what precisely defined music. Is the piece above really not music? What about John Cage's "4'33"? Does that count? Is Threnody belong in the same group as say Shostakovich's Symphony No. 5, 2nd mvt? How would you define music?

Side note: I adore Symphony No. 5. Supposedly it was written as his way of protesting the Soviet regime but that is the subject of much debate.

Gay marriage

I have always been very pro-gay rights. Mostly because I have plenty of gay friends and I see no reason why we shouldn't. I've yet to have a decent argument presented to me convincing me why it's wrong.

Keith Olbermann on MSNBC tonight made a wonderful wonderful commentary on it:
http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=a390193d67068

I officially love this man.

Improv of the Dead

My improv troupe, the CIA, has made a trailer to air on WolfTV as a promotion for our upcoming show. It just so happens I co-wrote this sucker and thus happen to be very proud of it. Mwahahahhaa zombies need love too!

For the lulz

I really think the only reason this Dragonball movie is being made is truly for the lulz. There is no other reason. As my friend Casey was apt to point out, "Who is this movie being made for? All the fans are pissed" Well put, well put.

My own personal theory is that everyone is going to go to the movie, sit down with their popcorn and soda..and the film will start in all of it's horrible glory. And just as James Marsters appears in all of his Piccolo glory, we will all be rickroll'd. And then, credits. But that's just me.

Here's the trailer: http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/dragonball/teaser-trailer

Braces

Yes, I just posted like 5 minutes ago but I forgot to mention this. My braces came off yesterday! Horray!! I have straight teeth now..well again. This was my second time for the bottom teeth. I know, I know I suck.

...Now this time I have to remember to wear my retainer. Someone better keep me in line for that...

Blogovia and Cromanzia

It's been a while but Matt and I have once again had an interesting conversation to blog about. Namely for the following statements of brilliance:

Kelly: we're going to have pillow fights
Kelly: in lingere
Kelly: that's the truth
Matt: ... i hate you

and..
Matt: whole countries have been lost when in pillow wars
Matt: ever heard of cromanzia? GONE
Kelly: YOU?!
Matt: muahahaha
Kelly: You are the dreaded Mattemeo, destroyer of cromanzia?!

and...
Kelly: ever heard of blogovia?
Matt: you mean the origin nation of the blogosphere thought to be lost forever?
Kelly: yeah, I did that.
Matt: you bastard!
Kelly: I leveled that bitch like a pokemon.

This, folks, all spawned from me talking about the women's choir retreat I'm leading tomorrow. It's relatively impressive that we went from women's choir retreat to growing ovaries to conquering countries to awesome wordplay.

The next batman villains?

For those of you who were wondering which villains were next in line for the Batman movies...

As always, consider the source. And while I absolutely love Johnny Depp in every way, I'd rather see David Tennant or Neil Patrick Harris as the Riddler. I think Johnny Depp could be too serious for this but I've been wrong before. I also thought Heath Ledger was a terrible choice and I ate my words on that.

As for Hoffman as the Penguin...well don't hold your breath.

I wouldn't count him out yet but I'm an optimist like that. I think he could be a very interesting choice for the Penguin but my hope is that they make him more mafioso than grotesque like they did in the Burton film. I actually thought Danny DeVito was brillant as the Penguin but that approach wouldn't really work in this new film series. It's almost too supernatural or out there to fit. If they make the Penguin more like a powerful mafioso/business man with a lot of connections, I think Philip Seymour Hoffman could be excellent. We'll have to see.

In a general life update, school has started up again which means, busy busy busy. I started out with 19 hours but I'm down to a managable 16 now so that's lovely. The workload is a bit more challenging as it's mostly science classes but I think I'll do ok.

I have a NEW job. Yes, again, but this one doesn't involve me working for an asshole. I'm working at a marketing firm specializing in audio advertising. My job as intern will be to write scripts for messages when you're on hold with a company on the phone. Exciting stuff, I know. Still, it's a job and it's not as demanding as previous jobs so I'll take it!

My love life hasn't changed too much really. But I'm relatively okay with this. With the men in my life, I don't really need a boyfriend. Although I certainly wouldn't mind dating again.

Let's see...what else is going on... yesterday I was voted President in my Women's Choir, go me! So far this semester is shaping up to be a good one, let's hope it stays that way!

REPO! The Genetic Opera - 2nd Official Movie Trailer (2008)

This looks to be pretty unique. Its unlike anything I've ever seen before and reminds me ironically enough of Rocky Horror but with more modern elements thrown in. The cast is pretty diverse (like Paris Hilton, wtf). But I have to admit, I'm pretty curious. Maybe it's just because I'm a complete musical theater but I also think this could be a really cool movie. I'll have to track it as time goes on and see how it develops.

This is how every conversation should start out..

So my friend Danger is one awesomely hilarious guy. (No, that is not his real name. His real name is Dan, but I know way too many Dans and he wanted to be called Danger so there ya go) And one of the ways he obtains this awesomeness is when he ims me with awesome things such as:
"fuck yeah it's Kelly." Because who wouldn't want to be greeted that way?

Well tonight, he managed to top it:
Danger: so how is your bad ass on this fine night
Kelly: goddamnit
Kelly: you think of the best fucking ways to start conversations.
Danger: hahaha
Kelly: You win so goddamn hard

Danger, you are awesome. I want a book of your quotes.

Stealing and Free Stuff

I'd count on Matt to post this but god knows he'll forget even though he wrote it down. Tonight at Pub Night the following awesomeness took place:

Matt: There needs to be a shirt that says, "I steal free things".
Me: And on the back it can say, "Like this shirt".

Matt then almost choked on his beer, much to my amusement.

Additional good news- my braces come off on Sept. 16, yay! I started my new job last tuesday as an author's assistant and I already got my first paycheck today. Life is pretty damn sweet right now..

Damn you MTV, damn you.

I've never particularly cared for MTV. I liked it when it actually played music videos but now, with garbage like "The Hills"on, I considered it one of the worst channels on TV. But now I must declare war on MTV. Now, I loathe MTV....for this.

Who the hell do they think they are? Rocky Horror doesn't need to be remade, it's perfect the way it is. I want to punch the person who came up with this in the face and then either the ovaries or the testicles. There are no words to express my rage, just...damn you MTV, damn you. *shakes fist*

Could people please stop remaking things? Originals are fine the way they are, thank you. Get creative! Come up with something new for the love of god and leave classics like this alone, sheesh.

Katy Perry's Ur So Gay

It's sort of impossible not to hear about Katy Perry these days considering everyone is going ape over that song "I Kissed a Girl". Don't get me wrong, I love "I kissed a girl" but I personally really love this one. "I kissed a girl" was released in response to the criticism for this song but I think people need to stop being so PC and chill out. The song is absolutely hilarious and I'm pretty sure I know a few men who fit this bill. I'll post a real update very soon, I promise.

The Onion: Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Dear god I love the onion so much. It is "hella fucking balls-to-the-wall awesome". So brilliant.

You can't fool owls...

I've always loved Weebl's stuff...and I've always loved owls. Well nothing makes me happier than when two things I love come together therefore.....behold!

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Owls/

Simon Cowell your days are numbered...

Jason gets a cookie for showing me this, hehehehehehehe

Ignore me and make me a sandwich!

So Matt and I frequently talk on aim at our respected jobs and normally it's your standard wtf-random relatively amusing/confusing convos that we typically have. But today...was special. Today involved sexism, Venture Bros., and Matt's improper use of the word "bust"..which I felt was amusing enough to put on here. So...enjoy..

[13:02] Me: lol Ignore me really isn't sexist or racist or rude really. Now if you said..
[13:02] Me: IGNORE ME AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH
[13:02] Matt: LOL
[13:02] Matt: oh loook, i have a new phrase
[13:02] Me: *sigh* oh goddamnit..*facepalm*

which then quickly became:
[13:05] Matt: no, no, go ahead
[13:05] Matt: IGNORE ME AND MAKE ME BROWNIES

Later, I tried to berate Matt for cancelling on me today when we were supposed to make brownies:
[13:11] Me: but noooooo I'm too busy going to a picnic
and..whatever it is you're doing thursday that I don't remember you
telling me you were doing...to make brownies.
[13:11] Matt: friday!
[13:11] Matt: you're coming anyway
[13:11] Matt: and i'm cooking anyway
[13:11] Matt: so it's a bust!
[13:11] Matt: or wait ... the opposite of a bust!

Definitions of bust on the Web:

break: ruin completely; "He busted my radio!"

raid: search without warning, make a sudden surprise attack on; "The police raided the crack house"

flop: a complete failure; "the play was a dismal flop"

female chest: the chest of a woman

tear: separate or cause to separate abruptly; "The rope snapped"; "tear the paper"

break: go to pieces; "The lawn mower finally broke"; "The gears wore out"; "The old chair finally fell apart completely"

a sculpture of the head and shoulders of a person

broke: lacking funds; "`skint' is a British slang term"

an occasion for excessive eating or drinking; "they went on a bust that lasted three days"

burst: break open or apart suddenly and forcefully; "The dam burst"

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...

Konnichiwa!

I've decided to join the world of Blogger, har har. My LJ is still going to be my number one blog of course but we'll see how this one pans out. At least this way I can keep up with my friends who are on blogger and there won't be as many emo people here. And now people can stop buggin me about joining. (*glare* I'm looking at you, Matt)

So I feel like I should write something here akin to an actual post...let's see, I completely cleaned my room. Like the whole damn thing. I cleaned out the closet, vacuumed the carpets, everything. Even Gilgamesh's bowl was cleaned. (For all of those new to my world -- Gilgamesh is my beta fish) It's so nice to come in my room and not think, "Aw crap..I really need to clean this.." or worry about it looking nasty when people come over. I really ought to try to keep it this way for a while...